The most amazing thing we can do for ourselves is be our own hero. From the archives, written more than 4 years ago. Never ever be stuck being a victim of whatever it is that holds us back.
Eat Pray Love’s Elizabeth Gilbert, once quoted, “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
This line floated back to me while surrounded by faceless strangers in the metro. Not because I was sad but more of there are moments when I get reminded how it was to be truly lonely. Just a reminder of moments. Nothing more than a reminder. I remembered somehow vividly that no longer a stranger feeling slowly wrapping it’s arms around me in an all too familiar embrace. Oh… I know this touch so well. Hello there old friend, miss me?
Loneliness, yes, that’s your all too familiar name. I’m afraid I have known you too well in the past years. Which I thankfully now call my previous life. I know your morning breath down to your steady rhythmic snore. We’ve became bedfellows. Strange bedfellows at that, but you’ve cuddled me down to my every curve. The dip in my hips, the beating in my chest, that soft spot at the base of my neck. We’ve became lovers. I don’t want to know you this well, but like memories, I do not really have the luxury to be picky on which ones to remember and which ones to forget.
But I appreciate you Loneliness. Because I don’t remember faces and feelings any longer. What I do remember, is you allowing me to take my time being nursed by you, and then letting me go when I’ve finally had my fill.
I don’t get scared of you any more. Because you made me understand why you needed to happen, and why I needed to let you happen. Only then did I truly feel alive. To live… is to decide to live not just exist. Decision is the line that I needed to consciously make on my own.
So now that once in awhile you come visit me. I join you in the porch and we stare into empty space. Not talking, just feeling and sharing an occasional sigh… and smile. But this time, I accompany you, no longer you keeping me company. And I know, that anytime I want to, I can easily just stand and leave. And it will no longer feel like I’m dragging balls and chains as I take each step. I know I can easily take each step painlessly, because I’ve somehow embraced doing so at my own pace. It felt like freedom.
And I feel you smile because you understood, that it was no longer like the last time. It is no longer like the last time.
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